She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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