I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
