I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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