I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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