if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
