Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
