I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
