Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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