I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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