I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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