I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
did i walk over a car last night?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
