Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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