i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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