I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
