True but thats because hes a fetus.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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