Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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