Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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