I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
