Just cropdusted the office
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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