First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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