I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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