i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
