i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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