She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
