omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
