Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
