He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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