The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
