There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
