This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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