cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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