I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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