You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
