There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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