if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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