I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
