my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
