I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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