Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
