Will you blow on my dice?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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