You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
