just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
