I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
