At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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