Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
