my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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