I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
