So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
