My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
