I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
