remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize