Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
