You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
