when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
