Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
