i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't put those talents on a resume
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
