I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
