omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
