Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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